Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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