I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
