In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
