it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
