my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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