sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
