last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize