Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
