Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
