i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just want nice things and good sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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