The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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