Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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