He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ugly people sure do ruin things
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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