It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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