how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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