he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
