Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
