I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
