I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
