you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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