I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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