I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
