I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
