just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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