Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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