I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
