the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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