i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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