Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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