I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
