: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
