what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize