he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Randomize
