tonight lets celebrate not being married
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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