seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
