Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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