I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
