I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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