watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
