What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
