So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
