Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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