He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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