You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize