I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
