the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
