It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
