Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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