have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
