alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
