If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
