You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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