I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
