Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize