OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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