I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
