the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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