I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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