and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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