Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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