I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
