Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
