I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
