my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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