i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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