You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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