Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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